We recently received a package from Heathen so after almost a year online we decided to summon up the courage to finally review some skateboard wheels…
Contrary to popular belief, there IS a lot of differences between skateboard wheels, and you’d have to be retarded, or “mentally hilarious” if you prefer the PC term, to think otherwise.
The first thing we noticed upon examining them is they are round. Round wheels are definitely better. We had a think about it and we really can’t come up with a better shape. All the wheels I remember having, on a skateboard and otherwise were round so I really don’t think this is something we should start fucking about with. Heathen seem to agree so went with the timehonoured tradition of round wheels which are the best.
They have a handy little print on them that looks like its made up of the inside of a bumhole but it also spells out 56 which as well as being a pretty good number on its own is also coincidentally the size of the wheel, its diameter or circumference or something. The half-way-across one, whichever one that is. As wheels go 56 is a pretty good size. 36 is too small and 76 is too big so 56 seems to be right on the money. Which is handy because that’s what’s written on them. All wheels in the set are the same size which means you won’t be going faster or slower in one direction. That’s also a good thing.
Another really neat quality is the size of the hole in the middle of the wheel. The size of that bad boy is exactly, EXACTLY the right size to put a bearing in. It must have been planned because those shiny little bastards squeeze right in there and nothing’ll get em out once they’re in there. Probably. I can never be arsed to start prizing bearings out of wheels as I’m worried I might cut my delicate hands. I’m also too cheap to spend any more than £9 on bearings anyway so I end up throwing them away when I get new wheels. If someone sends me ceramic swiss bearings I might reconsider but I’m making no promises…
Probably the greatest feature of these wheels is the fact there are 4 of them. As most skateboards have two trucks which allow a wheel on each end, having 4 wheels is a definite plus point. If you buy a set of these you won’t have any wheel deficits and you’re wheel to truck ratio will be right where it’s meant to be…
In closing: these wheels are perfect because they’re round, there’s four of them, they have a perfectly sized bearing holes and they will make you skate exactly like Heathen shredder Nick Roberts because we know for a fact he rides them. Go and buy some then click on the video below to see what you’ll look like in no time at all… If you don’t then by all means photoshop your head onto a picture of Nick and tell everyone it’s you. It could work… Maybe
Hello! Clearly you guys would rather have more accomplished writers than skateboarders but if you need somone who can do both then I would be more than happy to contribute my two cents. I don’t know whether you have realised that this article tells the reader literally nothing that they can’t see for themselves in the photo, and find that hilarious. Or whether you are genuinely attempting to give a decent review and you simply have no experience with skate wheels.
Either way this “review” is neither funny nor helpful to a prospective buyer and the fact that you’ve posted it discredits your whole outfit.
Yours sincerely
Chuk x