Queer Eye For The Skate Guy: Martyn Hill


Welcome to another instalment of Queer Eye for the Skate Guy. This week’s victim/prey profile is Martyn Hill a young skater off of Leeds. I struggled with this one a bit at first… Turns out that for me Martyn is a grower, not a shower. But after some extensive research (Facebook stalking) I came to the conclusion that Mr. Martyn here is a hot little piece of ass.

Appearance – Looks

When I started looking at the pictures that were sent to me I wasn’t overly impressed. In this mugshot looking picture he just looks stoned and mad (not that I’m knocking angry sex). He’s not bad looking in it but it’s not the greatest picture of him. And then I got to the picture of him cuddling up with his “mate”. I think we can all agree that he looks totally adorable in that picture, right? So I did some investigating and discovered our friend Martyn is fiendishly sexy. He’s got that devilish glimmer in his eye that makes me drop to my knees. Like, I wouldn’t trust him with my imaginary daughter but I bet he gets up to some freaky shit in the bedroom.

Appearance – Clothing

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed. But that’s OK. Putting together an outfit doesn’t seem to be one of his strengths but that just means he’d be putty in my stylish hands. To rub, caress, and mould him into the most fashionable skater in the land. Also, I think he’d be into this because I found a link that suggests he designs t-shirts. And who cares what he’s wearing, clothes all look the same when they’re in a pile on my bedroom floor.

Trick Selection

Fuck, this section again. I don’t have a clue. To be honest, the only trick of his I’m interested in is me (waheeey). His Heathen profile lists the Switch Beni as his favourite trick and I’m pretty sure that has something to do with “switching teams” so that’s promising.

Final Verdict

There’s definitely a future here for me and Martyn. In this interview he names “black people music” as his favourite, which is perfect because like most gay men I am a sassy, obese black woman on the inside. Also, in this picture he’s doing the same thing I do to girls at parties, telling them to fuck off. I still think that Tom Harrison is the man I’m going to marry… my gentleman in the streets, if you will. But in the meantime Martyn can be my freak in the sheets.

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