When anyone joins a new truck company, what’s the first thing that they say? “These trucks are the best trucks ever, they turn real nice and they grind so good. I love these trucks and it’s so like totally awesome that they pay me to say so…” Well I checked, turning and grinding are what trucks are supposed to do, so if everyone is saying theirs are the best, who can you trust?
Well thankfully the answer is Us. We wouldn’t lie to you, not even for your own good. So after thinking long and hard, we realised that there needed to be an objective and well thought out way to find out which truck company is the best. We thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that the only way of finding out who’s best was to recruit a gay and get him to rate a selection of the team in bumability out of 100. How could that not work?
So we contacted My Gay Mate Marc, who jumped at the chance to look at blokes and forwarded him pictures of 2 team riders from each company and asked him to list the pros and cons of each. Then we made a graph. Because who doesn’t like graphs right? Below are the findings with the scores next to their names…
Arto Saari – Destructo = 85/100 (but I’d hate myself after)
He’s not bad looking and I bet he’s very friendly. Moms probably love him. I bet he’s also bad in bed in an overly generous sort of way and is likely a vegetarian.
Brian Anderson – Independent = 65/100
OK, he’s kinda funny looking but I like his style and neck tattoos are always a plus. Not sure about the ears but he looks like he’d be a good laugh. Defintely on the “maybe” pile.
Louie Barletta – Krux = 7/100
Holy shit, this guy would be perfect to star as Link in a remake of California Man. He looks like the love child of one of the Monkees and a caveman. However, unlike Brendan Fraser, I would not let this man teach me any “lip tricks” (which wikipedia assures me are a skateboarding thing). I bet he’s fun at parties though.
Brandon Biebel – Silver = 95/100
Hello, Eminem on a skateboard. Eminem before he sobered up and stopped being hot that is. He’s not all that great looking but I’ve got a thing for thugged out white boys. I’d let him hit it, but just the once.
John Cardiel – Independent = 90/100
Yes, sir! He looks tall, muscular, and confident. I suspect he’s a perfect gentleman on a date and knows what he’s doing in the bedroom (in a hot, hair pulling kind of way). He’s also got a dark glint in his eye that suggests he would not hesitate to raise his hand to you if you got out of line/to let you know he cares. Bonus!
Daewon Song – Tensor = 60/100
He’s not bad looking and is probably a pretty laid back, chill kind of guy. Probably a good first date. However, those curls peeking out make me worried about what’s going on under that hat.
Darrell Stanton – Theeve = 40/100
He looks like he’d actually be pretty cute in person. Judging based soley on this photo though I’d have to give him a pass… a little too “wacky” for my taste. I bet he’d be an awesome and hilarious wingman though.
Marc Johnson – Thunder = 75/100
Ahh, the quiet, sensitive type. He’s fairly attractive and sometimes dark and brooding works but sometimes it’s creepy and leads to restraining orders. Hard to tell with this one. Bonus points for the beard though.
Paul Rodriguez – Silver = 85/100
Not the take home to Mom kind of guy but I’d definitely get drunk with him and go skinny dipping. He looks like someone who says “I’ll call you” and then deletes your number.
Gareth Stehr – Theeve = 0/100
I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for crazy-eyed hippies who look like they’ve smoked a dozen joints too many. I wouldn’t mind gettin the old bong out and discussing philosophy with him but that’s about as far as it would go.
Steve Forstner – Destructo = 100/100
And we have a winner! Who could say no to those eyes? He looks sensitive in a not annoying way. Like, he’s probably got daddy issues and possibly a slight drinking problem but isn’t needy or too messy about it. I’ll assume the ‘tache is negotiable.
So with all the data back, it was only natural for us with our inquisitive and enquiring minds to try to collate the facts. In graph form. Because who doesn’t like a graph right?
So there you have it. Destructo have the fittest team. If for whatever reason you are trying to attract a gay (specifically, our gay) then Destructo would probably be the truck of choice. Unless you have a moustache. Apparently not all gays like ‘tashes, (who knew?) If you’re trying to repel them then you should probably buy Ventures as they scored lowest on the bumability scale, however, if you’re not trying to attract or repel a gay, (and we’re not, live and let live right?) then you should probably just ride Independents, cause they work.