How To Win Skateboarding

Email

Every website needs a How To section. Long gone are the days when you could actually work things out for yourself. Besides, it’s quicker and easier for someone to give you clear and basic instructions instead of wasting all that time thinking for yourself and making the right decision… You might wonder how we’re qualified to give such advice? Well luckily we have forgotten more shit than most people know so are in the perfect position to fuck you up with some truth…

Now, we could waste a load of time trying to break down skateboarding tricks, but ultimately thats not really going to be much use in the long run… Any idiots could explain how to do a “magic flip” or a “sawblade,” you’ve just to to pop, wait until you see the griptape, spot your landing and ride away clean (thanks Transworld) so we’re going to bypass all that and get down to explaining the sort of shit that youre actually going to need… Like How To Win At Skateboarding.

Idiots might claim that you can’t win skateboarding but that’s rubbish; you can win anything. Have you got a videogame? Your own cartoon series? A signature fedora? A quasi-successful rap career? A pet dwarf pig? No? Well, just keep going until you have by following our step by step guide below and after our brief outline you’ll be macking on fly bitches and flossing in no time at all (whatever the hell that means) I put it to the test to prove how well it works.

The Look

Stand by a wall and suck your gut in...(click to enlarge)

Right, one of the first things you’re going to have to master if you want to be a household name is your sincere yet sensitive pose.

It can’t be anything that might indicate that you’re having fun because skateboarding isn’t fun. You’re not here to enjoy yourself. Remember that dickhead, it’s a business, and you’re going to have to be a businessman if you want to make it and earn a shit-ton of money… Money is what you’re after because you can’t buy a Ferrari or a badass jetski with respect. Check out the example on the right as I’m pretty sure I’ve got it dialled.

Black & White helps...(click to enlarge)

Take all the emotion out of your face, you’re no longer a functioning human being in the traditional sense, you’re a vessel for marketing. You’re a brand. It probably won’t happen straight away so you’re going to have to practice, preferably in front of a mirror. Take photos of yourself, take your top off, pout, wear a wooly hat in summer and put some sunglasses on or if all else fails just change your settings to black and white and pull a face like you really need a piss, but, like, you’re kind of happy about it. As long as people on Facebook and Myspace can “like” the picture you’re off to a good start. These people will make up your fan base and will be the ones buying your signature deodorant when you eventually get franchised… By this stage, there should be a previously unrecognised stirring in the lasses in your general proximity…

What To Wear

Now you’re not going to really get anywhere if you look like everyone else. You are a trailblazer so you should kit yourself out with some flair. Who cares if you don’t technically need your very own bespoke fedora to skate in? You sure as hell need one to stand in front of your signature Toyota… The very last thing that you want is to be mistaken for someone else so you need something that sets you apart from the rest of the human race. Pick a horrible colour, pick an item of clothing that noone in their right minds would wear. Then combine the two and you better believe that everyone in the club is gonna be checking out your stinging purple fedora and wondering who the hell you are… This is perfect. Getting people interested is just the first step to getting a lucrative shoe endorsement with some shit company noone cares about which is the first step to making massive ugly sky high velcro shoes with your name all over em. (For the record, getting massive ugly sky high velcro shoes with your name on them is considered very close to “making it”…)

Fear No Man. Just like me...

Fear No Man. Just like us...

If you don’t think that you can commit the required time and energy to picking out some flair and wearing it for long enough for people to forget what you looked like before, then you could always just save time and get a tattoo. It’s easier, I couldn’t be fucked hanging about waiting for people to notice my turquoise flat cap. But remember, whatever you get, make sure that it its something that is going to further your marketability and advance Brand You. If in doubt, just get your name or a brand logo. Or a childish scribble to denote whatever you’re doing at that moment. On your face. That kind of commitment to a company or passtime virtually guarantees you’ll never get kicked off or shunned by it. Trust me. By now birds should be queuing up for a piece of you with your desirable wardrobe and smouldering Hollywood look.

Push your other talents.

Snoop Doggy Dogg having a brown sit down (thats not racist)

You’ll never be a millionaire skateboarder. Real skateboarders are tramps who wear Dickies, sew up cuts on each other’s arses with dental floss and have shoes with holes in them. We checked: the list of millionaires with Dickies and shoes with holes in them is a short one. Besides, everyone knows that skateboarding is all about sitting around talking about it on the internet anyway. As long as people think you’re a skater you should be fine, just as long as you make sure you never get into a situation where you actually have to skateboard. With all that time you’ll save, you can focus on your soon to be prolific rap career. Actual talent here is negotiable, you just have to set yourself apart from everyone else. I recorded the greatest most revolutionary rap record known to skateboarding, rapping and people with ears, so much so, that Snoop Doggy Dogg actually shit himself when he heard about it. Unfortunately, whisper rapping is so revolutionary that the industry isnt ready for it yet. So you’ll have to wait.┬áIf you’re in any doubt about your marketable talent, just get another face tattoo… Bitches love face tats, you should be knocking them back with a shitty stick by now.

Endorsements

Right so we’ve covered what to wear, how to look, and how you should be marketing yourself and if you’ve been following this you should have at least one thing tattooed onto your face. Which will mean that any second your doorbell will ring and you will be offered the chance to endorse something. It doesn’t matter what.

In 20 years time someone could be putting your name on shit like this...

Fingers crossed it will be a fizzy drink that will make your poo come out too fast. It doesn’t have to be anything that you’d actually use, you’ve worked hard enough that all you have to do is stand in front of things, give them “The Look” and cash the cheque. If you get really good and spend a few years at it, you don’t even have to turn up and they’ll just attach your name to any old shit they come up with at Marketing Meetings and you don’t even have to leave your front room…

Once you get to this stage you’re there. Birds will be stalking you, you’ll get kids asking for your autograph while you’re drunk at noon at the demo’s you don’t actually skate at any more and you might even get invited to skate the flatground of someones warehouse. Why only this week, I was asked what drink I preferred out of Um Bongo and Kia Ora, I signed a kids helmet and I won a game of skate in front of a crowd of tens of people. You could have all this too…

Don’t worry about skateboarding turning its collective back on you, there’s nothing skateboarders appreciate more than someone that puts in hardly any work and manages to rise right to the very top…

All that’s left to do is sign on the dotted line, agree to skate exclusively for the Skate Confederation Super Money League and then put your tail in Paris Hilton.

Feel free to send in your photographic evidence of you winning skateboarding. Special points will be awarded for face tattoos.

Email

About the Author